I have been sick for 4 days now; 4 long days. I have quarantined myself to the extra bedroom so I don’t get Ali and the baby sick. All I have done is read theology on the futon and go to class. Today I left class early because I could barely pay attention due to the pulsing of my head. I felt like I was walking with weights on my legs on the ocean floor. Everything was murky. In spite of that, I have managed to wade through a couple hundred pages of theology. After hour upon hour spent carefully combing the pages of books and essays by leading theologians, I keep coming back to this same question: How do we balance the head and the heart?
I spent 5 days worshiping with college students at the Urbana Missions conference over Christmas break. I stood with them as they lifted their hands and danced and celebrated. I watched them pour their hearts out to God, and in my own heart I longed for the days gone by when I used to worship like that. I longed for the days when I didn’t need to have all the intellectual answers to be able to enter into worship.
And yet here I am, soon to be a pastor, soon to be the leader of a community of people, and I feel as though for the past 3 years my heart has been discredited and malnourished. My heart has been neglected while my brain has been stuffed with big words and theories. I have forgotten how to worship and dance and revel in the presence of God. I have forgotten what it means to open myself up to the beautiful and rejuvenating presence of God.
There is a part of me that wishes I could go back in time. There is a part of me that would ignore my mind for the sake of my heart, and yet Jesus calls us to love him with both. He does not desire overly emotional gushing. He is not honored by thoughtless praise, yet on the flip-side he is not honored by pure intellectualism. He is not honored by my constant critiquing of worship services.
He desires both heart and mind, but it is so difficult to bring the two together. It is such a struggle to love him with both and not let one dominate the other. Oh Lord Jesus Christ son of God have mercy on us as we struggle to love you in response to your great love for us. Father give us new hearts. Turn our hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. Let our minds be transformed as we seek to know the truth and meditate on your Word. Let us not become cold. Lord may your Holy Spirit flow in us and through us. Grant us wisdom. Lord be patient with us for we are like sheep prone to stray. Lord Jesus Christ son of God have mercy on us and teach us to love you with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love our neighbor as we have loved ourselves.
How do you find the balance between head and heart? Seriously, I really want to know.